Tag Archives: mentalhealth

BEWARE OF TOXIC PEOPLE

A toxic person can be defined as someone who abuses a person emotionally, physically or mentally. You know, that person that makes you feel like shit. A toxic person could be a friend, a romantic partner, an acquaintance or even family. A toxic person is known to oppress another individual and sometimes that individual may not even know they are being oppressed. A toxic person is great at lying, manipulating and great at pretending. They drag you down and you might not even know it.

Toxic people affect various areas of your life as you begin to see yourself making excuses for the person. Your self-esteem begins to drop. You begin to feel like no one can really see or hear you, like your own self-consciousness is choking or drowning away. You begin to settle for things you would otherwise never settle for. I need you to know that you deserve better.  Toxic people do not necessarily share the same traits. These are some of the traits of toxic people:

They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting. They’re lovely today and cold tomorrow. You can’t tell which version you’re getting. You could assume you’re playing with them and all of a sudden, they become very hostile.

They are very manipulative. They are very good at manipulating you to do things you would not want to do. In some cases, you begin to think their thoughts are your own and you’re only doing what you think they will like. You most likely will not know you are being manipulated

They won’t own their feelings. They never own their feelings or emotions. They find a way to push blame to others for emotions that they single headedly brought on themselves. You see them blaming you for their anger or their sadness when you have nothing to do with it. They will project their problems on to you and most times even blame you for it.

They get angry and blame everyone but themselves. You don’t have to defend yourself to move forward. You don’t have to explain, defend or justify yourself with these kinds of people.

They’ll make you prove yourself to them. They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else. You find yourself trying to impress them at every single turn. You do not have to impress anybody. You do not have to prove yourself to anyone.

They’ll never apologize. They’d twist the story to declare them right and you wrong. They will always forget about the other persons feelings and if the other person can also be angered. They see themselves as being bigger than apologizing to you or righting their wrongs.

They’ll be there in a crisis but never in joy. They’ll find reasons to downplay your good news. You never find them when you are in trouble or dismay. They never try to help you but always want you to help them and suddenly show themselves when you are beginning to enjoy life.

They’ll leave a conversation offline and unfinished. They can also leave a conversation half way to keep you guessing and troubled.

They’ll use non-toxic words in a toxic tone. Things like “what did you do today?

So, I bet you did nothing as usual”. And then they’ll come back and say all I asked was “what you did today?” They know it hurts but they say it anyways. 

They are trying to belittle you at every turn they can.

They’ll bring irrelevant details into a conversation. You’re trying to resolve something and toxic people keep bringing details that are not important. It always seems to end with what you’ve done to them and not what they’ve done to you. They bring up the past as a way to make your points seem null.

They’ll make it about the way you’re talking and not what you’re talking about. You’ll find yourself defending your tone or speech pattern instead of fighting about what you were talking about.

They exaggerate. They increase the smallest mistakes you’ve done to such a big feat. Basically “making a mountain out of a molehill”. They over react to the slightest mistakes you have made.

They are judgmental. They are quick to scrutinize everything you do. It’s worse when they’re no better than you anyways. Like someone ridiculing you for something they equally do as well.

They are quick to bring you down in front of others. They want to remind you in front of others that you are under them. They are willing to shame you in front of others. They will bring you down at every opportunity they find. They may do it sometimes to stroke their ego. Making jokes at your expense. They are having fun while you are hurting. They don’t care about how you feel. They don’t care about how they emotionally wreck you. All they care about is that people laughed at you.

They try to gather more information about you than they give you about them. They try to have all the information They snoop through your phone. They ask people about you. They want to know everything about you possibly to know how to manipulate you some more.

They do things to you they would not take. They could snoop through your phone but throw a fit if you did the same. They insult you. They pick at your wounds.  They take slight jabs at you and call it comedy. The moment you try to do these things back to them. They lash out at you. 

It’s been said before but emphasis on they never apologize. Or make their apologies a joke. There is no sincerity in their apologies ever. They apologize by joking so as to never show weakness.  Instead of saying “I’m sorry”, they say “Why are you angry over a little thing?”

Toxic people constantly latch on to you and drain you of fulfilment. They can be said to be parasitic in nature. They claim to have done nothing wrong when they have done a significant amount of damage to you. Please learn to value yourself and stand up for yourself. Learn to seek help whenever you may need it. Friends, families and loved ones, please look out for others as they might not even know they live with a toxic person. They could act like they have been hypnotized or under a spell. Please try and help each other.

CHILD ABUSE: The four main types

Child abuse is a harmful infliction of pain on a child, this pain can be inflicted by parents, teachers, care givers, family members and so on. According to Article 1 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the child, the convention defines a child as persons up to the age of eighteen. Child abuse may take different forms on a child, however, some persons are victims of more than one type of child abuse.

While growing up, I have been a victim to more than one of the types of child abuses, some were not intentional while some were intentional. Passing through the phase had its negative and positive impact in my life. I believe a lot of children have experienced one form of child abuse or the other.

According to the Centers for disease control and prevention, the types of child abuse are as follows:

  1. Physical Abuse: I presume this is the most common type of child abuse especially in developing and underdeveloped countries. The administrators of this type of abuses are ususally under stress or mental problems, employment/financial issues, have a history of abuse, etc, therefore, pouring out their frustration on innocent children. In addition, this type of abuse coud be administered by parents, teachers, school prefects, neighbors or any older person. This type of abuse includes torturing, excessive hitting or slapping, severe punishments, withdrawing the child from eating or sleeping
  2. Sexual Abuse: This is having sexual relations of any kind wih a child. This can be by touching seductively, penetration, watching illegal sexual contents, telling them dirty stories or jokes and so on. In this type of abuse, it is difficult to identify who to blame, either the parents for uneducating their children about sexual topics or for exposing them to neighbors or the perpetrators themselves for taking advantage of the child or the government for not providing enough protection for children or for not creating awareness about the rights of a child to fight against such act. It is not unheard of for parents to sexually abuse their children. If you are interested in more details about child seual abuse, I have a full blog post on child sexual abuse here.
  3. Emotional Abuse: This is a constant disregard for a child by using horrible words on them and making them feel worthless, unvaluabe and unloved. This can happen by mocking a child, Ignoring a childs participation, silent treatment, frequently yelling at a child, telling them they are mistake and of no good in life, bullying, preventing them from socializing with peers, makin the feel guilty and so on. Although, It usually does not start with one, it then becomes problematic when repeated severally. In this type of abuse, I presume the parents or abusers either lack the right parenting style, undergoing mental stress, use hard drugs, etc.
  4. Neglect: This is when a parent or care giver fails to meet up with the psychological, physical or nutritional needs of a child, which coud affect their health or development. This includes leaving a child alone to experience loneliness or harm, locking the child up in a room like a prisoner, not providing the basic needs of the child such as food, clothing, education and shelter.

It is important to note that you as an adult may be guilty of these acts in one way or ther other. We should always know that there are other ways to discipline or treat a child when they misbehave. The mental health of a child is very important.

Ways we can help are as follows:

  • Creating awareness for your children or student about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors such as sexual discussions. Teaching a child to know when to feel safe around a man and when not to.
  • Teaching a child how to seek help and knowing emergency contacts numbers off hand.
  • Open communication with your child is important, make the child feel comfortable around you, as this will make it easier to spot if anything unusual happens.
  • Adequate security is important in a family, making sure that the home is safe for a child especially when they will be left alone in the house.
  • Parents and care-takers should endevour to monitor their child/ children but be care not to over-encroach their personal space. It is important to know where they are, what they do, and who their friends are.
  • Having good relationship with people around you, especially people who look after your child/ children such as their teachers, carers, friends or parents of friends. This will always come useful in grooming and protecting a child in the best way.

Having said all that, I do hope you have learnt one or two things about child abuse as a lot of children are going through one or all of these types of abuses. Help a child.

Feel free to share so as to create awareness about child abuse, also feel free to drop your opinions or experiences in the comment section.


MY IDENTITY YOUR IDENTITY

I have spent the year 2020 asking myself who I really am, who I want to be and understanding my Identiy. At some point in my life I felt very confused and distressed, not finding my thing in life, not understanding my hobbies. Life was super exhausting. I asked myself questions like; who am I? what do I want? what do I enjoy doing? At crucial times in our lives, it is normal to ask ourselves who we really are.

We all have different identities. Sometimes, this identity does not fit into what friends, family and colleague are comfortable with but guess what, it is your Identity. I believe it should be accepted my whomever is interested in associating themselves with you . Sometimes we fail to accept who we really are, however, coming to terms with oneself starts from understanding your identity and believing in your Identity.

The next question is what is my identity and what is your identity ?

Identities are our unique character traits which includes our individuality, beliefs, expressions, qualities, gender, ethnicity, and so on. I believe we all have mutiple identities, my personal identity is how I relate with the world, my capabilities and my reputation. Personal identities are modelled according to our vision and mission, how the mind directs us and our perspectives towards certain issues. Moreso, most people have a different identity at work and struggle with fitting into certain categories or people either because they want to impress or they feel intimidated. Using myself as an example, I used to struggle with similar situation when i moved to the United Kingdom for my masters degree, I tried communicating with a british accent and sometimes I did not ask questions in the presence of my colleagues. Instead, I send an email to the lecturer to ask my questions. This is because I was skeptical about the lecturer not understanding my english properly.

Honestly, we just have to be confident with our identity, stay true to who we are and change will always take place when necessary as life is not static. Another example is at the work place, I remember a friend of mine whom I worked with in Nigeria, she was a totally dfferent person at work , extremely nice and polite but outside of work she was a nasty rude lady who did not care about what people think about her. Her person at work was completely differentt from that outside of work. It was almost like she was pretending at work to not be the rude person she always was. Clearly by switching personas, it was evident that she was not true too her identity. There was never a claim that one’s identity (mostly character here) would always be positive. A person can also have an identity which is more on the negative side but that is a topic for another time.

A lot of people have conflict in identifying their identity thereby having multiple identities but I presume we should be able to fill the gap at least to a reasonabe extent and come to terms with who we are. Allowing people to accept you and believe you for whom you are, allowing yourself grow and pursuing your dreams.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOURSELF

  • Reflect on opinions and views from family, friends, colleagues and any other persons you believe will have a valid contribution or feedback about yourself. This reflection process will help you understand your personality better.
  • Identifyinig where you want to be can be a key to identifying who you are. I once felt that when I have a family, a house and a car then I would be fulfilled. I did not realise I was only deceiving myself with those thoughts as Identifying what more I could achieve for myself and do for the world made me realize that much more about myself.
  • Understand/Identify your personality and interests, especially the ones you really want to develop. Also, identify new interests that you do not know how to start but are interested in.
  • Know your place in the world. Your identity can be defined by things you have been subjected to such as loss, oppresssion, violence or the likes. You should have a way to come out of that situation to remove negative impacts and stand up for people in such situations.
  • Embrace rejections. People may not accept you for who you are. Be ready to face this in life. This should not sway you from being the person you want to be. Be ready to face rejections but always remember to persevere.

Accepting my identity is one thing I am glad about. I feel like I have understood a bit more of who I really am and what I really want.

You can bury your identity deep down but its never really gone. Lost identities can and will always resurface.

Feel free to share your thoughts about your identity and you can get in touch with me here.

Do not forget to subcribe to this blog xx.