Tag Archives: tobioyefeso

BEWARE OF TOXIC PEOPLE

A toxic person can be defined as someone who abuses a person emotionally, physically or mentally. You know, that person that makes you feel like shit. A toxic person could be a friend, a romantic partner, an acquaintance or even family. A toxic person is known to oppress another individual and sometimes that individual may not even know they are being oppressed. A toxic person is great at lying, manipulating and great at pretending. They drag you down and you might not even know it.

Toxic people affect various areas of your life as you begin to see yourself making excuses for the person. Your self-esteem begins to drop. You begin to feel like no one can really see or hear you, like your own self-consciousness is choking or drowning away. You begin to settle for things you would otherwise never settle for. I need you to know that you deserve better.  Toxic people do not necessarily share the same traits. These are some of the traits of toxic people:

They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting. They’re lovely today and cold tomorrow. You can’t tell which version you’re getting. You could assume you’re playing with them and all of a sudden, they become very hostile.

They are very manipulative. They are very good at manipulating you to do things you would not want to do. In some cases, you begin to think their thoughts are your own and you’re only doing what you think they will like. You most likely will not know you are being manipulated

They won’t own their feelings. They never own their feelings or emotions. They find a way to push blame to others for emotions that they single headedly brought on themselves. You see them blaming you for their anger or their sadness when you have nothing to do with it. They will project their problems on to you and most times even blame you for it.

They get angry and blame everyone but themselves. You don’t have to defend yourself to move forward. You don’t have to explain, defend or justify yourself with these kinds of people.

They’ll make you prove yourself to them. They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else. You find yourself trying to impress them at every single turn. You do not have to impress anybody. You do not have to prove yourself to anyone.

They’ll never apologize. They’d twist the story to declare them right and you wrong. They will always forget about the other persons feelings and if the other person can also be angered. They see themselves as being bigger than apologizing to you or righting their wrongs.

They’ll be there in a crisis but never in joy. They’ll find reasons to downplay your good news. You never find them when you are in trouble or dismay. They never try to help you but always want you to help them and suddenly show themselves when you are beginning to enjoy life.

They’ll leave a conversation offline and unfinished. They can also leave a conversation half way to keep you guessing and troubled.

They’ll use non-toxic words in a toxic tone. Things like “what did you do today?

So, I bet you did nothing as usual”. And then they’ll come back and say all I asked was “what you did today?” They know it hurts but they say it anyways. 

They are trying to belittle you at every turn they can.

They’ll bring irrelevant details into a conversation. You’re trying to resolve something and toxic people keep bringing details that are not important. It always seems to end with what you’ve done to them and not what they’ve done to you. They bring up the past as a way to make your points seem null.

They’ll make it about the way you’re talking and not what you’re talking about. You’ll find yourself defending your tone or speech pattern instead of fighting about what you were talking about.

They exaggerate. They increase the smallest mistakes you’ve done to such a big feat. Basically “making a mountain out of a molehill”. They over react to the slightest mistakes you have made.

They are judgmental. They are quick to scrutinize everything you do. It’s worse when they’re no better than you anyways. Like someone ridiculing you for something they equally do as well.

They are quick to bring you down in front of others. They want to remind you in front of others that you are under them. They are willing to shame you in front of others. They will bring you down at every opportunity they find. They may do it sometimes to stroke their ego. Making jokes at your expense. They are having fun while you are hurting. They don’t care about how you feel. They don’t care about how they emotionally wreck you. All they care about is that people laughed at you.

They try to gather more information about you than they give you about them. They try to have all the information They snoop through your phone. They ask people about you. They want to know everything about you possibly to know how to manipulate you some more.

They do things to you they would not take. They could snoop through your phone but throw a fit if you did the same. They insult you. They pick at your wounds.  They take slight jabs at you and call it comedy. The moment you try to do these things back to them. They lash out at you. 

It’s been said before but emphasis on they never apologize. Or make their apologies a joke. There is no sincerity in their apologies ever. They apologize by joking so as to never show weakness.  Instead of saying “I’m sorry”, they say “Why are you angry over a little thing?”

Toxic people constantly latch on to you and drain you of fulfilment. They can be said to be parasitic in nature. They claim to have done nothing wrong when they have done a significant amount of damage to you. Please learn to value yourself and stand up for yourself. Learn to seek help whenever you may need it. Friends, families and loved ones, please look out for others as they might not even know they live with a toxic person. They could act like they have been hypnotized or under a spell. Please try and help each other.

THINGS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS: 15 Facts about Human Rights

Human rights are moral principles or norm that describes certain standards conducts of human behaviour which people from around the world have agreed are essential. 

1) Human rights are the total sum of civil, political, individual and collective rights in every states and countries of the world enshrined in their legslations and laws.

2) Human rights covers every aspect of a persons life.

3) Human Rights are inalienable, in other words, no person can be divested of his right. This is although subject to legal circumstances like where the person has committed an offence.

4) All of the Human rights are interwoven, indivisible and interrelated. One cannot be breached without affecting the other.

5) The Universal Declaration of Human Rights provides thirty (30) articles of Human rights.

6) Human Rights are universal as they apply to all people indiscriminately.

7) Human Rights serves as a check of abuse of power over the vulnerable.

8) According to an article titled “Human Rights Facts & Figures”, it was observed that women have been denied the knowledge,and freedom to act in the best interest of themselves and their children.

9) In “Abuses, Statistics, Child Abuse, Gang Violence & Child Soldiers”it was stated that worldwide there are about 246million child laborers.

10) The 10th of December is a set date for the celebration of human rights.

11) From the UN Declaration on Human rights, everyone is entitled holiday with a pay.

12) In Kazakhstan, Domestic violence is not an offence.While in Russia, there is no legal definition of domestic violence.

13) In 2018,the UN Human rights,WHO and UN women declared ” virginity testing” as violation of Human rights.

14)The Universal Declaration of Human Rights has been translated into nearly 400 languages, making it the most translated document in the world.

15) In 2011, access to the internet is declared a basic human right.

IMPACT OF THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC ON CHILD’S RIGHT

This is no longer only a global health crisis, it is also an economic crisis that is having a huge impact on people.”[1]

  • Guy Ryder, Director General, International Labour Organization

The Corona Virus Disease (COVID-19) is prevalent in more than 193 countries of the world today prompting the World Health Organization to  upgrade the status of Covid-19 from an epidemic to a global pandemic on March 11, 2020.[2]. Nigeria, the most populous black nation became the first African country to record a positive case of the virus from an Italian immigrant on February 25, 2020.[3]  The negative impacts of the pandemic are better left to the realm of imagination than the province of reality.

The world is clearly set to experience its worst depression only after The Great Depression of the 1930s.[4] Again, the international labour Organization estimates that over 25 million jobs and 3.4 trillion dollars will be lost in labour income world-wide while 100 million more people may be forced into extreme poverty.[5] This portends graver implications for a nation like Nigeria, which prior to the pandemic, was already the world’s poverty capital with a poverty rate of 33 percent.[6]

The begging question remains, what is the impact of the foregoing on child’s right? It does not take rocket science to realize that the child’s rights to life, survival and development which are guaranteed by Article 6 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child are significantly under threat. In this connection, Article 6 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states, “State parties recognize that every child has the inherent right to life. State parties shall ensure to the maximum extent possible, the survival and development of the child.” With glaring poverty levels however, it becomes practically impossible to attain adequate nutrition, right to a healthy and safe environment, security and adequate standard of living which are sine qua non to achieving the right to life.

Again other rights like the child’s right to play, leisure and freedom of association has been affected as it has become practically impossible to keep in touch with friends and outside spaces for play are practically unavailable. There are however more serious implications than the foregoing. It is noteworthy that child trafficking, sexual exploitation and child labour are evils resulting from poverty, which has been brought about by this pandemic. In fact, the huge poverty occasioned by the pandemic is expected to increase child labour by 0.7 percent globally – an estimate that radically alters the prospects of reducing child labour for the first time in 20 years.[7]

Furthermore, another implication of the poverty occasioned by this pandemic is increase in child marriage; a.phenomenon that refers to giving out children below 18 years of age to adults as spouses. Already, 43 % of girls in Nigeria are married before their 18th year old birthday, crowning Nigeria as the 11th state where child marriage is highly operative.[8] The pandemic may however worsen this statistics because child marriages will be the most viable alternative for families on the fringes of survival. It becomes a typical example of “take my child while you give me food.” This position is corroborated by the United Nations Population Fund which has in fact estimated that an additional 13 million child marriages may take place over the next 10 years.[9]

Lastly, the child’s right against violence has been compromised by the pandemic. The huge poverty emanating from the pandemic can serve a triggering factor for frustration of adults and consequently, the infliction of violence on children. Sadly, incidents of violence and child abuse are less likely to be detected because of lockdown measures. The implication is that the infliction of violence will most likely be carried out covertly.

This situation is worsened in view of the fact that child protection agencies have reduced monitoring in order to avoid the spread of the virus and the ability of child protection institutions to respond adequately has been weakened. Already, more than 1 billion children are exposed to violence yearly.[10] With the pandemic however, this figure will be magnified and significantly increased. This is no doubt a threat to the actualization of Article 37 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child which states that: “State parties shall ensure that: (a) No child shall be subjected to torture or other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”

In conclusion, in view of the grave havocs that COVID-19 and its concomitant poverty could wreck on child’s rights, it is imperative for governments to respond with positive laws and policies to ameliorate the looming economic dangers. The United States of America provides a ready example in this regard. She enacted her CARES (CoronaVirus Aid, Relief and Economic Security) Act under which 2.3 trillion dollars, amounting to 11 percent of the United States Gross Domestic Product was dedicated to providing one-time tax rebates to individuals, expanding unemployment benefits and providing food safety nets for the most vulnerable citizens as well as loans for small businesses. Also, under her Pay Check Protection Program and Health Care Enhancement Act, over 483 billion dollars was ear marked to assisting small businesses in the United States of America.[11] Developing countries like Nigeria could follow suit. This will significantly reduce poverty, whose effect is to threaten the rights of children.


[1] http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/newsroom/news/WCMS_738742/lang–en/index.htm

[2] news.un.org/en/story/2020/03/1059261

[3] www.icirnigeria.org/report-nigerian-inmates-live-in-danger-amid-coronavirus-pandemic/amp

[4] http://www.cnbc.com/amp/2020/04/14/imf-global-economy-to-contract-by-3 percent-due-to-coronavirus.html

[5] http://www.ilo.org/global/about-the-ilo/newsroom/news/WCMS_738742/lang–en/index.htm

[6] tradingeconomics.com

[7] Najat Maalla M’jid, “Hidden scars: the Impact of Violence and the COVID-19 Pandemic on Children’s Mental Health” (2020) Journal of Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health https://campmh.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13024-020-00340-8

[8] http://www.girlsnotbrides.org/child-marriage/nigeria/

[9] United Nations Population Fund, “Impact of the COVID-19 Pandemic on Family Planning and Ending Gender-Based Violence and Child Marriage, UNFPA 2020.

[10] https://reliefweb.int/report/world/covid-19-and-children-s-rights

[11] http://www.imf.org/en/Topics/imf-and-covid19/Policy-Responses-to-COVID-19#U

MY IDENTITY YOUR IDENTITY

I have spent the year 2020 asking myself who I really am, who I want to be and understanding my Identiy. At some point in my life I felt very confused and distressed, not finding my thing in life, not understanding my hobbies. Life was super exhausting. I asked myself questions like; who am I? what do I want? what do I enjoy doing? At crucial times in our lives, it is normal to ask ourselves who we really are.

We all have different identities. Sometimes, this identity does not fit into what friends, family and colleague are comfortable with but guess what, it is your Identity. I believe it should be accepted my whomever is interested in associating themselves with you . Sometimes we fail to accept who we really are, however, coming to terms with oneself starts from understanding your identity and believing in your Identity.

The next question is what is my identity and what is your identity ?

Identities are our unique character traits which includes our individuality, beliefs, expressions, qualities, gender, ethnicity, and so on. I believe we all have mutiple identities, my personal identity is how I relate with the world, my capabilities and my reputation. Personal identities are modelled according to our vision and mission, how the mind directs us and our perspectives towards certain issues. Moreso, most people have a different identity at work and struggle with fitting into certain categories or people either because they want to impress or they feel intimidated. Using myself as an example, I used to struggle with similar situation when i moved to the United Kingdom for my masters degree, I tried communicating with a british accent and sometimes I did not ask questions in the presence of my colleagues. Instead, I send an email to the lecturer to ask my questions. This is because I was skeptical about the lecturer not understanding my english properly.

Honestly, we just have to be confident with our identity, stay true to who we are and change will always take place when necessary as life is not static. Another example is at the work place, I remember a friend of mine whom I worked with in Nigeria, she was a totally dfferent person at work , extremely nice and polite but outside of work she was a nasty rude lady who did not care about what people think about her. Her person at work was completely differentt from that outside of work. It was almost like she was pretending at work to not be the rude person she always was. Clearly by switching personas, it was evident that she was not true too her identity. There was never a claim that one’s identity (mostly character here) would always be positive. A person can also have an identity which is more on the negative side but that is a topic for another time.

A lot of people have conflict in identifying their identity thereby having multiple identities but I presume we should be able to fill the gap at least to a reasonabe extent and come to terms with who we are. Allowing people to accept you and believe you for whom you are, allowing yourself grow and pursuing your dreams.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOURSELF

  • Reflect on opinions and views from family, friends, colleagues and any other persons you believe will have a valid contribution or feedback about yourself. This reflection process will help you understand your personality better.
  • Identifyinig where you want to be can be a key to identifying who you are. I once felt that when I have a family, a house and a car then I would be fulfilled. I did not realise I was only deceiving myself with those thoughts as Identifying what more I could achieve for myself and do for the world made me realize that much more about myself.
  • Understand/Identify your personality and interests, especially the ones you really want to develop. Also, identify new interests that you do not know how to start but are interested in.
  • Know your place in the world. Your identity can be defined by things you have been subjected to such as loss, oppresssion, violence or the likes. You should have a way to come out of that situation to remove negative impacts and stand up for people in such situations.
  • Embrace rejections. People may not accept you for who you are. Be ready to face this in life. This should not sway you from being the person you want to be. Be ready to face rejections but always remember to persevere.

Accepting my identity is one thing I am glad about. I feel like I have understood a bit more of who I really am and what I really want.

You can bury your identity deep down but its never really gone. Lost identities can and will always resurface.

Feel free to share your thoughts about your identity and you can get in touch with me here.

Do not forget to subcribe to this blog xx.

MYTHS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Did somebody just ask if domestic violence still exists? Yes, it is trending in our society today and very disheartening that despite several laws, committees, unions and activism against domestic violence, it still occurs.

The intention of this post is to bring to the society more awareness of domestic violence. Therefore, 6 myths about domestic violence have been compiled by me. Domestic violence is not limited to these myths but it is a start.

No No No

Women are not animals. Women deserve the best as same as the opposite sex and they must not be treated like trash. In recent times, feminists have campaigned against gender inequality. Also, international organizations such as the United Nations have declared the equality of all human beings. Article 1 of the UDHR, (Universal Declaration of Human Rights), states that “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood”

Regardless of what a woman’s offense might be, no man has the right to take laws into their hands and discipline her except in self defense.

Who says

Domestic violence happens around the world in underdeveloped, developing and developed countries. Regardless of people’s age, gender, race or religion, they can still be abusers. There are many rich people that are abusers and also abused. Therefore, we shouldn’t assume domestic violence affects only the poor. The rich woman next to you might be a victim of domestic violence.

Every family has their secret

Domestic violence shouldn’t be a family secret. It is a criminal act, asides the legal aspect, it can lead to health problems including death of any party. Abuse of any form should not be tolerated. We must learn to seek help when abused as soon as we can. Although, some victims are to afraid to speak up and some cannot even tell they are victims. We as family and friends should try our best to help those we think might be abused.

It is not easy

Some victims are afraid to leave abusive relationships because of the stigma it brings. We should try and understand the reasons why our loved ones are staying and try to help. For example, some victims stay back because of financial issues, we can offer financial assistance if possible. Some victims may also be offering from Stockholm syndrome, while others might not want kids to be in broken homes. There are a number of reasons victims choose to stay in toxic relationship. We have to try and help when we can, to the best of our abilities.

It is wrong

Responding to violence with violence should only be for self-defense. Some persons believe in the law of retaliation which says “an eye for an eye…a tooth for a tooth”. It is also a biblical term that can be found in scripture, Exodus 21: 23-25 states, “But if there is harm, then you shall pay life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.” Leviticus 24: 19-21 affirms to this, “Anyone who injures their neighbor is to be injured in the same manner: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The one who has inflicted the injury must suffer the same injury.”

However, Jesus condemned the use of retaliation and says that if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other cheek for them.

Religion should not be the excuse for domestic violence.

They can be abused

Both men and women can be victims of domestic violence. One study found that 40% of domestic violence victims are men.

In our society today, most men are ashamed to be seen as victims of domestic violence. They have the weight of being a “man” among their peers that they are too ashamed to come out as a victim. I advise men to also seek help when they can.

In summary, domestic abuse still occurs, there is no excuse for it.

Kindly drop down your opinion or advice about domestic violence, we never know who we are saving.

Thanks for stopping by and don’t forget to share.

References

YOUR GREATEST ENEMY IS YOUR MIND

One day I woke up and asked myself ‘is my mindset good or bad?’ i.e. do I have a positive or negative mindset? This is a question I think we have all asked ourselves at one point of our lives. Sometimes, you feel very miserable or you struggle with the past. I want to let you know today that you can take control of all this. I am not saying that it is an easy task but it is a possible one. The moment we stop doubting ourselves, we have an edge in succeeding. A lot of us have negative thoughts towards other people, we compete with others over unnecessary things and jealousy begins to seep in as well as a dissatisfaction with where you are or what you have.

We are created to stand out, invest in yourself, invest positive thoughts to your mind, love yourself, be your own best friend, be proud of yourself,

Tony Robbins called our biggest enemy living inside us Saboteurs.

Ways to stop being your enemy

  • Limit your regrets: I wish that this had happened..
  • Feeling disappointed or guilty when you don’t need to be.
  • Say good words to yourself, be optimistic.
  • Understanding that no one is perfect and should never judge yourself too harshly.
  • Try to be content. You might not have it all but you have something and should be happy with what you have.
  • Cut yourself some slack. You could already be doing an amazing job.

Thanks for stopping by. Kindly encourage someone else by sharing this article. We never know who needs this words of encouragement.

I will like to know your thoughts on becoming a better friend to yourself.


MY 2019 FAVORITE COAT

I love this faux coat, aside the fact that it is affordable… It is of great quality. This is an amazing compliment for a coat from Primark (YES PRIMARK).

This same design was trending at other high street fashion stores like New Look and River Island. I almost bought this coat from River Island until i decided to pop into primark to do some window shopping. To my surprise, I came across the same faux coat. I took a picture of it and went back to River Island just to compare it was the same coat I saw. To my surprise, it was the same thing. Same color, texture and fitting. As a price sensitive lady, I went back to Primark to buy the coat. To satisfy my curiosity, I went back again to RiverIsland just to compare the quality for the last time and be sure I wasn’t going for a cheaper coat that wouldn’t serve a good purpose. Guess what, the quality was fabulous and the only difference I could identify was the length, which has nothing to do with the fitting. I am not tall so I couldn’t be bothered about the length. That was how I bought the coat for 35 quid coat instead of 85 quid from River Island.

P.S Do not underestimate the fast-fashion brands.